census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
