this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
