I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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