i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
