We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
