if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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