I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
