Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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