Barsexuality is the new black.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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