I wish I could punch you in the face.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
just found out that she named her cat after me.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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