Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
