On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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