Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
