I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
