Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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