Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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