U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
nutella sex= disaster
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
