I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
