Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
