i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
