i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
