We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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