I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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