The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
