Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
