Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
