: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
