She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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