I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
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