My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
