Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
