If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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