Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
