just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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