Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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