he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
