She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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