i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He did a backflip because drugs
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