1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
