so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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