My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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