I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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