You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize