By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
