I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
