i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
