so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize