On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
