you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
