did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Randomize
