I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
