i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
