I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.