How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage