I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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