Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
