he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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