I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
