i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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