yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
