I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
