I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
